Some Mad Hope

Some tumblr cuteness

2010-06-21T01:08:00.005+08:00

(Aww.)

(So true.)

“It’s not about who you’ve been with, it’s about who you end up with. Sometimes, the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants.” — Pam, The Office

(Sense of humor = Love.)

(I wish you did.)

(It couldn't get any better than this.)

“The test of love is not when we are together. It comes when we are not together and realize that despite the distance, love is still there.” — Unknown

These just keep on coming

2010-06-21T00:02:00.005+08:00

So. Where and how do i start? It's been almost 10 months since I last wrote on this blog. Like hello? Mon and I broke up last October, got together again by December, and then what else? I lost weight? Nah. Negative on that one. But to tell you honestly nothing much has changed, except that I haven't blogged as much as I used to.

So anyway, I've done an overhaul with my blogger account. Actually I do have other blog accounts on Wordpress, Livejournal, Vox and a couple more from blogger (which I keep to myself), but I noticed from my archive that I have actually maintained (oh the struggle) this blog since year 2005. It's nice to keep online journals not for the sake of just having one, but it's good to know you'd actually run out of reasons to go ballistic trying to keep thoughts to yourself as long as you have internet connection and is sane enough to write an online journal. I don't even think about how many people actually read my blog (for all I know there may be none), all I'm up for is being able to release my thoughts and being able to practice whatever writing skills I still have left in my system. And I knew it, I'm so getting rusty I can't seem to pick up the exact words to use.

Oh well, it'll all sink in, probably in another blog.

Mushy. Watchout.

2009-09-20T22:20:00.004+08:00

Late last week Mon and I had a misunderstanding. It's becoming a trend actually, that later in the week we fight and make tampo because of the silliest things. But we realized it just happens because of that frustrating part that no matter how much we would want to be with each other, we just can't, well, not as often as we used to. Things are becoming different. Since he started his duty in NKTI (National Kidney and Transplant Institute) early this month, we can no longer afford to have those late night conversations simply because our schedules won't allow us to. What used to be weekend dates turned out to be once a week dates because of other obligations he has to attend to. And then I realized, I'm happy for him. I'm happy that he has a life of his own. That's him, this is me. No one changes the other and no one pulls out the other one from the life he/she previously lived before this relationship started. And the good thing is, by the end of the week, seeing each other doesn't become an obligation but more of a need. :)

And today, he made me feel like he couldn't get enough of me. And that's just the best feeling in the world... :)

Random.

2009-08-23T00:35:00.003+08:00

Mon is out with his pals in Tomas Morato. I was just wondering that it would've been a very different scenario three years ago with you know who, where you'd find me ranting and whining and being just explicitly so possessive.
And I was just beginning to wonder about Mon's effects on me. It’s not much like that, but I seriously think he's doing a good job.

Over You - Daughtry

2009-08-16T00:07:00.003+08:00

Uber wonderful lyrics. Talk about having gone through hell, hardly surviving every single day. Anyway, the lyrics just wow-ed me. Forgive me, I know this is so last year.

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

It gets more random this time

2009-08-06T22:18:00.002+08:00

* I am terribly sick as of this writing. I have fever, colds and cough. I wasn't able to go to work yesterday, damn. Bye-bye 10k.

* It's amazing how deeply bothered people are with Cory Aquino's death. I just can't help regretting the fact that we could have done more in expressing our appreciation to her and all that she has done for the country when she was still alive. Or maybe, it's just human nature that we don't miss the water until the well runs dry.

* I just realized I barely could finish writing a sentence because of my running nose.

* Going back to Cory Aquino's interment ceremonies yesterday, I wonder how she would've felt seeing all those people flock the streets as they eagerly waited for her funeral cortege. Obviously, "mirons" were present everywhere. If it had been an issue of sincerity though, I don't know how many people would have been present in the streets.

* Ever felt the feeling when you want to spill all your secrets, as in hold nothing back? I am in that mood right now. And I know I'd still have to watch every little thing that I say because I still believe in my mystery.

* I seriously want to go to the bathroom. It's prolly because of the ice cream I just ate a few hours ago. But it's free, so why bother.

* Okay now I'm bothered, masakit na talaga tiyan ko.

* I don't know why, but... Okay I must keep my mystery.

* I had the weirdest dream last night. Don't even ask me to tell what it was about.

* I think I'm getting used to random entries on this blog lately and I don't think it's a good sign. I must still try to practice what I've learned all four years of my college life even though I've been mostly dealing with numbers in my job.

* Who would have thought I would end up in Payroll when I considered Math as my mortal enemy.

* I'm off now. Another day has ended.

When it gets random

2009-07-26T23:02:00.003+08:00

A few updates about what's going on in my life right now...

I think I don't know how to write anymore. I think this has something to do with the job I have right now, the passion I wanted to pursue ever since and the huge disparity between the two. You know numbers aren't exactly my kind of thing.
There are no real big deal disappointments about my job as of this writing, but then, I said as of this writing. Who knows, tomorrow may be a big disappointment. Haha.
My fingers smell like pizza. As in, Pizza Hut pizza. I had burger steak for dinner. The pizza? I don't know where my fingers got the smell.
I am really proud of my bf. I feel like the luckiest girl alive just because he's mine.
And I know he's proud of me too.
It's more than the way we hold hands while walking, or the way he puts his hand on my waist as he stands behind me while riding escalators, the glances and the sweetest pause before he tells me "Ang swerte ko na sa dinami-dami ng lalaki sa mundo, ako pinili mo..." It's not even the words, but I know 'cos I can feel. He just got me so hooked.
I'm still thinking about buying that Debenhams dress. I have the money. But I'm not sure if the dress is really worth its price tag.
I am so addicted to my new bag. I think I'll buy another one on December.
Or maybe I'll buy myself an iPhone.
But right now, I so need a new pair of shoes.
I have to check and re-check my monthly budget again to make sure I'll still have money spare for my savings.
How else would I be able to buy my black FJ Cruiser if I don't start saving?
A friend of mine read my aura and said I'll get married at age 26 or 27.
If it's not Mon, I won't say "I do."
I think this blog is getting so random that I want to delete everything and start all over again.
I want to revive my Multiply account. But I have no time.
But I always have time for Facebook. :-)
Mon just called me up to say goodnight. So I'm calling it a day. <3

Invisible

2009-06-17T00:20:00.003+08:00

I really feel silly right now. I know people get what they need more than what they want, but what if I want to get what I want, as in what I really really want. And what if I don't understand myself anymore, now who would even bother?

Maybe I should stop listening to songs, they only give my thoughts another three minutes to fully sink into my head.

Congratulations. I hate this part.

to do

2009-06-02T21:22:00.001+08:00

Oprah Wrote This About Men

2009-05-30T17:04:00.000+08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from
heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship
that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man
before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not
treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then
he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying
when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is
you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch
of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from
his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it
against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than
you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man,
nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to
treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there
is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before
pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for
someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be
Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always
know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he
takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you
everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other women and men (just so they
know)...
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her
choices, and another woman prepare.

2009-05-23T10:06:00.017+08:00

I've been wanting to document everything that happens in my life, as in every single minute of it, just so that I would have something to remind me of of how I've spent my years. More often though, I tend to lose myself in my thoughts that even before I can grab a piece of paper and a pen, my mind has already taken me too far for me to go back. Worse is when distraction comes over and forces me to let go of whatever it is I've been pondering on, and before I knew it, I've already lost my memory to oblivion.

Good thing though, there are pictures that remind me of the past. It may have not been able to document the sounds, the smell, the feelings including the pain, but judging from photographs I've kept, I saw that I was happy. I saw the person that I used to be had a constant smile on her face, but I couldn't remember why and how it felt anymore. What I remember most are the tears and the sorrow - the heartache that brought me the worst days of my life. I remember how I sulked in one corner of my bed trying to figure out how it exactly ended and where I should begin. I remember how my entire face hurt - my eyes, my nose, my ears, my cheeks, my head, my lips, my teeth, everything. I can recall how Usher's Burn and She Daisy's Mine All Mine made me cry a hundred times over, because I intentionally put them on repeat in my playlist. I remember the exclusive blog I posted in Multiply where I wrote the heartache in detail, and how it gained numerous comments from my friends who were altogether asking "why?! what happened?," or maybe those saying that I deserve someone better or those assuring that I'll be fine, although it would take time.

Looking back, I should have believed them. I always knew that time heals everything but my impatience always tells me to search for other options other than waiting. I still can't quite understand what paved the way, but he came, and that's the beginning of everything. It wasn't as simple as 1-2-3 but the way he wants to hold my hand even if his hands are already full, the stolen glimpses, the songs, the late night conversations on the phone, the corniest jokes that never fail to make me laugh, even the drama - these efforts make it all worth it. Come to think of it, it was a relationship which started out prematurely. It was barely 4 months and we're still both healing from past relationships. I didn't think I'd get there again, well not that soon. But realizing that we're both vulnerable and human, we didn't need more time to convince ourselves that we're both ready to commit again. But now, it's different. This time, it's more real.

I do not consider breaking someone's heart a privilege, rather it is more of a choice I had to make because I believe that leading someone on would only prolong the agony. I had to break hearts when I entered this relationship, and it wasn't easy. When you see yourself in a crossroad, one little decision changes everything. And although I wasn't in a hurry, I knew that time may only give false hopes to someone.

(to be continued)

Whateverisms

2009-05-07T19:45:00.005+08:00

I feel weird. I have a ji tomorrow and I'm not even excited about it. Maybe I'm just scared, or chicken about it, scared or chicken, whatever. Or maybe I really don't like it in the first place. I wasn't the one who contacted them, they were the one who went out for me. That makes a HUGE difference.

I'm loving the weather. I'm not exactly running outside doing the rain dance or something close, not yet. I just think that it pays to appreciate little things like the sound of the pouring rain. It might sound a cliche alright, but really, rain doesn't happen everyday. And I think that it's just silly that people ask for rain when it's summer, or for warmth amidst a storm. So I just realized, maybe Mr. Emong The Bagyo deserves a bit of appreciation for coming in the middle of undoubtedly the hottest summer and a tad too early for the rainy season.

I'm thinking about actually changing my blog's url to whateverisms.blogspot.com but I'm pretty sure it's not available anymore. Sometimes when you think you're oh-so-great for coming up with a unique idea, there's always someone more intuitive (I guess) who came up with the same thought much earlier, and that just spoils it for you. Or maybe I'm just being that pessimistic brat who likes to procrastinate things and then blames others for her own lack of anticipation. Or maybe, I just lack eagerness. Lol.

I just realized, I cannot hold my pee any longer. Imma end this now.

It is only when we dream that we're alive

2009-04-21T17:01:00.005+08:00

I AM TIRED.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of competing with my own brain and my own thoughts. I am indeed my greatest rival. I am the one who creates my own demons only to lose to them in the end. I'm thinking I'm not cut out for this or for that but I'll keep fighting, because I have a dream. And no one on this very planet can take that away from me. I just hope this road is going to take me to that place where I'd find myself sitting on a wooden Balinese chair with a cup of brewed coffee on the table next to me, delighting in the sight and sound of waves as they continue to pound the shores of my own island.

Isn't that pure joy?

In Demand - Texas

2009-03-15T14:24:00.002+08:00

When we were together I was blown away
Just like paper from a fan
But you would act like I was just a kid
Like we were never gonna last

Now I've got someone who cares for me
He wrote my name in silver sands
I think you know you've lost the love of your life
(and you said) I was the best you've ever had

Because I'm in demand
You're thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn't understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I'm in demand

Don't ever think you saw the best in me
There's a side you'll never know
Cos love and loving are too different things
Set your sites far too low

Now I've got someone who cares for me
He wrote my name in silver sands
I think you know you've lost the love of your life
(and you said) I was the best you've ever had

Because I'm in demand
You're thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn't understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I'm in demand

You're thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn't understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I'm in demand

It's only when I fall asleep
I see that winning smile
When my dreams just move along
You've lost the race by miles

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
(never had our love written in your plans)
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Because I'm in demand
You're thinking of the way you shoulda held my hand
And all the times you said you didn't understand
You never had our love written in your plans
But now I'm in demand

You know I'm in demand
You see I'm in demand
You know I'm in demand
You know I'm in demand
You never had our love written in your plans

You know I'm in demand
You see I'm in demand
You need me in demand
You want me in demand

Too messy

2009-02-18T21:39:00.001+08:00

Uh oh. I don't like my new blog layout. Will change this, again, when I have time.

I Won't Cry - Profyle

2009-02-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

You came and got things today,
I packed your car, I watched you drive away.
I cried so many tears that day,
It burnt my face, it felt like acid rain.
I know I can't keep lying to myself,
I said I'd be content with someone else,
I know I never have to face the pain, baby baby,

Chorus:
I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, girl I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you, and we both know that it's true.

Well,
It's going to take a little time, to stick in my mind,
the fact you're gone for good.
Cause when you said you're leaving me, I heard it before,
I never really thought you would.
Maybe I should glad that you gone away.
I know the pain would not be here to stay
If I could only fool myself maybe, baby,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, girl I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you, and we both know that it's true.

That I won't cry, I'm moving on.
Well, well.
I know it's hard enough, to fall in and out of love,
But when something is gone, to keep holding on,
Will only break your heart.
So I won't play the fool, by begging you to stay.
I wanna keep it inside, til you're out of sight,
Maybe then wait,

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, girl I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you, and we both know that it's true.

I won't cry no more, I won't drown in my tears
I won't die no more, I've got over my fears
And I'm moving on, girl I know what to do.
Cause I'm better off without you, and we both know that it's true.

Oh quotes again

2009-01-25T00:14:00.005+08:00

Here are some of the most powerful lines from some love songs on my playlist. Disclaimer: Just don't try reading between the lines, I'm pretty sure you'd just get it all wrong this time. Hehe.

I'm twisted ‘cause one side of me is telling me that I need to move on, but on the other side I want to break down and cry. - Usher, “Burn”

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. It’s still a little hard to say, what's going on? - Damien Rice, “Cannonball”

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere. - Adele, “Chasing Pavements”

And I can't change this; I can never take it back. But now I can't change your mind. – Blue October, “Congratulations”

I'll always remember it was late afternoon. It lasted forever and ended too soon. - Mandy Moore, “Cry”

I've never felt alone ‘til I met you. I'm alright on my own and then I met you. And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming. - Third Eye Blind, “Deep Inside of You”

I would say that I'm sorry to you but I don't want to call you. But then I want to call you ‘cause I don't want to crush you. - Third Eye Blind, “Deep Inside of You”

You were there when I needed you. You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open, but you were never here. - Jars of Clay, “Five Candles”

I close my eyes and make a wish, turn out the lights and take a breath. Pray that when the wick is burned, you would say that it's all about love. - Jars of Clay, “Five Candles”

I’m a bad boy ’cause I don’t even miss her. I’m a bad boy for breaking her heart. - John Mayer, “Free Fallin’”

The mistake I made is clear, we never should’ve been together. That’s the reason you’re not here, I know that I can do much better. - Ne-Yo, “Go On Girl”

There you go again breaking porcelain. Is that all I am, just a doll you got used to? – Tori Amos, “Goodbye Pisces”

And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done, it gets hard but it won’t take away my love. - 3 Doors Down, “Here Without You”

You gave me words I just can't say, so if nothing else I'll just hold on while you drift away. - Vertical Horizon, “I’m Still Here”

If you were right and I was wrong, why are you the one who's gone? - Vertical Horizon, “I’m Still Here”

Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway, but I'm still here. - Vertical Horizon, “I’m Still Here”

A love like ours is love that’s hard to find. How could we let it slip away, we’ve come too far to leave it all behind. - Chicago, “If You Leave Me Now”

So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you? Baby I won't shed a tear for you, I won't lose a wink of sleep. 'Cause the truth of the matter is replacing you is so easy. - Beyonce, “Irreplaceable”

Make believing we're together, that I'm sheltered by your heart. But in and outside I turn to water, like a teardrop in your palm. - Roxette, “It Must Have Been Love”

Some try to hand me money they don't understand. I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man. I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do. How can I move on when I'm still in love with you? - The Script, “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved”

‘Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be. Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, and you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street, so I’m not moving. - The Script, “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved”

Always thought I'd get to sorry but the chance has come and gone. So if it finds it's way back in, I'll hold on. – She Daisy, “Mine All Mine”

You never were the bounce back kind but boy this time you've proven me wrong after all. Now I'm the one who's gonna crawl. - She Daisy, “Mine All Mine”

I know sorrys just wouldn't do it. Her heart is obliterated, I'm trying to travel through but it's like moving mountains. - Usher, “Moving Mountains”

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? 'Cause my world revolves around you, it’s so hard for me to breathe. – Jordin Sparks, “No Air”

Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want. I can see whoever I choose, I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant. But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues, 'cause nothing compares to you. – Stereophonics, “Nothing Compares To You”

You have no right to ask me how I feel, you have no right to speak to me so kind. We can’t go on just holding on to time, now that we’re living separate lives. – Stephen Bishop, “Separate Lives”

The perfect words never crossed my mind, ‘cause there was nothing in there but you. – Snow Patrol, “Signal Fire”

And I don’t know, this could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until you let go completely. – Kelly Clarkson, “Sober”

Three months and I’m still breathing. It’s been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know, it’s never really over. – Kelly Clarkson, “Sober”

You said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong. I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave," but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you. – Lisa Loeb, “Stay”

Give me time to reason, give me time to think it through. Passing through the season,
where I cheated you. – Aqua, “Turn Back Time”

Remember the time I told you the way that I felt, that I'd be lost without you and never find myself. Let's hold onto each other above everything else, start over. – Lifehouse, “Whatever It Takes”

I hope I never wake when I’m thinking about you. And I close my eyes, now I’ll never never wake. Why should I stop thinking about you? – The Sundays, “When I’m Thinking About You”

Of all the things I felt but never really shown, perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go. – Maroon 5, “Won’t Go Home Without You”

Anytime I think about these things I shared with you, I break down and cry 'cause I get so emotional. Until you release me I'm bound under ball and chain, reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change. – Boyz II Men, “Four Seasons of Loneliness”

With one eye on the clock and one on the phone, it's 5:19 and I'm feeling alone. If I could talk to you I'd want you to know, I'm holding loose, but ain't letting go. – Matt Wertz, “5:19”

Here we go again...

2009-01-22T18:11:00.003+08:00

Ugh. I hate this feeling. I'm stressed. In fact, I'm getting soooo damn stressed. I can easily rant this article away, but then again, no one would ever mind. Okay, I don't want to cry. Okay na dapat ako eh.

Make this feeling go away, please? :,(

... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. - Gretchen Kemp

I self-destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run. – Anonymous

Just a thought...

2009-01-19T02:31:00.001+08:00

Someone sent me this quote yesterday, and for some reason I'm deeply bothered by it.

If you think that the person you love doesn't love you...
you're right...
'coz if he does,
there's no way he would let you think that way.

Okay. I'll keep this in mind, next time.

Letter to myself

2009-01-18T17:44:00.003+08:00

Written last December 2008 @ 12:22 am

Dear Monica,

Just breathe.
Everything will get better soon. You don't need anyone's approval, you're okay the way you are. You don't need to rush things because everything happens in its own time. And when it happens, you'll figure out it's worth all the wait. You'll get married in the future and have kids, because deep in your heart you know that that's still what you want, no matter how much you try to deny it. Someday, you'll fall in love with the right man, and you'd realize why he's a lot better than everyone and every boy that crossed your path. He'll value your worth, and treat you like his treasure. In the meantime, God wants you to sort out things first with yourself and heal, one step at a time. Try to keep moving forward and stop living in the past. Also, always remember never to say sorry unless you truly mean it. Don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire because you're still one in a million, and you deserve to be happy. :)

Love,
Your optimistic self

Love quotes

2009-01-07T02:50:00.001+08:00

I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. – Mother Teresa
She's gone. I am abused, and my relief must be to loathe her. – William Shakespeare
I hold it true, whatever befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. - Lord Alfred Tennyson
The hottest love has the coldest end. – Socrates
If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to. - Anonymous
I self-destruct every relationship so that I don't get hurt... but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run. – Anonymous
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left. - Marilyn Monroe
I am nothing special of this I am sure. I am just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always been enough. - Nicholas Sparks
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. - W. H. Auden
If we are to judge of love by its consequences, it more nearly resembles hatred than friendship. - Francois De La Rochefoucauld
Love and stoplights can be cruel. - Sesame Street
Never try to define love. Once defined, love is confined. Once confined -- It dies. - Source Unknown
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli's Mandolin
In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person. - Margaret Anderson
I love her and that's the beginning of everything. - F. Scott Fitzgerald
... See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me. - Gretchen Kemp
We came by night to the Fortunate Isles, And lay like fish under the net of our kisses. - Pablo Neruda
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again. – Unknown
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen
Come, let us make love deathless. - Herbert Trench

You and Me - Lifehouse

2008-12-21T19:27:00.003+08:00

KINIKILIG AKO SA KANTANG 'TO, AS IN. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I HOPE SOMEDAY SOMEONE DEDICATES THIS SONG TO ME. HAHA FEELER. *BLUSHBLUSH*

You And Me - Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Are you in love?

2008-12-19T19:19:00.003+08:00

I came across this piece while browsing through my highschool files. Haha, wala lang. Disclaimer: I didn't write this. It was just sent to me by email years ago and for some reason maybe I got fascinated with it and decided to save it for future use. Haha. As if I haven't been in love before to be completely oblivious of what it means or feels like.

wala sanang masaktan...
KATOTOHANAN lang...
----------------------
HINDI BA KAYO NATATAKOT???...
as in sa mga bagay-bagay...
hello??...
getz,...
saan pa ba..
kundi sa mga LOVE issues...
na tipong imbis na maging seryosong usapan...
pinag-ttripan lang...

don't you know that it's not something to "LAUGH" about...
it involves PEOPLE..
people with feelings...

now...
ang akin lang naman eh..
based from experiences ha!...

ang love ay hindi minamadali...
hindi pinipilit..
at lalong hindi kina-career...

IT COMES NATURALLY...
(hahaha... take it from me!!!...

as in magugulat ka na lang isang araw...
magigising na SIYA ang nasa isip mo...
hindi pinilit na isipin ha...
basta NAISIP mo na lang basta...
mapapangiti ka na lang...
at basta na lang gagaan ang pakiramdam mo...
na tipong kahit mukha ka ng tanga...
eh ok lang sayo...
ngiti ka pa rin...

hindi nababase sa tagal ng pinagsamahan...
hindi rin sa dalas ng pagkikita...
hindi rin sa ilang beses na pagkakausap sa phone...
lalung-lalo nang hindi sa dalas ng pagte-text...

may MAGIC kasi yan eh...
magic na hindi naka-cast ng kung sinuman...
MAGIC na matagal na palang nandun...
hindi mo lang namamalayan...

isusugal mo ba yun???...
yung feeling na sobrang wala ka ng hahanapin pang iba???...
papabayaan mo bang masira yun???...

ASA PA!!!...

kaya nga eto lang yun eh...
wag na kasi kayong magmadali...

unang-una...

PAANO MO BA NASABING MAHAL MO NA SIYA???...

dahil ba natutuwa ka sa kanya???...
o kaya naman naaaliw ka???...
naswee-sweetan ka ba ng sobra sa kanya???...
kinikilig ka ba pag nakikita mo siya???...
at nahi-high kapag naririnig mo na ang boses niya???...
o kaya, dahil wala ng magmamahal sa'yong iba???...

eh teka muna...
baka naman infatuated ka lang....
o kaya naman kagaya nga ng sagot mo...
BAKA naaaliw ka lang...
dahil kakaiba siya...
may spark na hindi mo maintindihan...

tsk!!!...
ang saklap nyan!...

pangalawa...

GAANO MO NA BA SIYA KAKILALA???...

madali ba siyang mapikon???...
tanggap mo ba?!
pano ba siya mabadtrip???...
tanggap mo ba?!
madali bang mahalata na may topak siya???...
kaya mo ba?!
ano bang suot niya pag nasa bahay siya???...
shorts ba o pantalon???...
nakasando ba siya o naka-t-shirt lang???...
matagal ba siyang maligo???....
ok lang ba sayo?!
kumakain ba siya ng vegetables???...
tamad ba siya???...
k lang talaga sayO?
mas gusto ba niyang manood ng tv kaysa magbasa ng libro???...
nagpe-play station ba siya???...
tatlo ba ang pamangkin niyang lalaki???...
makukulit ba yung mga kamag-anak niya???...
green ba ang kulay ng gate ng bahay nila???...
sa village ba siya nakatira o sa subdivision???...
may sakayan ba ng jeep na malapit sa kanila???...
nagsisimba ba siya linggo-linggo???...
kasama ba yung pamilya niya???...
at nagdadasal ba siya bago matulog???...

in short...
alam mo na nga ba???...
ang mga bagay-bagay...
ang mga simpleng bagay tungkol sa kanya...
na nagdedetermine ng sarili niya...
as in kung sino ba talaga SIYA...

pangatlo...

KAYA MO BA SIYANG TANGGAPIN???...

as in TANGGAPIN ng buong-buo...

sa lahat ng trip niya sa buhay...
sa lahat ng katopakan niya...
sa lahat ng pag-iinarte at pag-dadrama niya...
sa lahat ng kasalanang nagawa, ginawa, at gagawin pa lang niya...
sa lahat ng naiisip niya...
sa lahat ng sasabihin niya...
sa kilos niya...
sa pananamit pa pala niya...
sa pagsasalita...
sa pananaw niya sa buhay...
sa pagtrato niya sa tao...
sa lifestyle niya...
sa uri ng pamilyang meron siya...
sa uri ng kaibigang kasa-kasama niya...
sa style niya pagdating sa love...
sa kasweetan niyang natural...
sa paglalambing niya...
sa tawa niyang pagkalakas-lakas...
sa manners niya...
sa pagmumura niya...
sa bisyo niya kung meron man...
sa mga pang-aasar niya sayo...
sa style niya pagdating sa pagsolve ng problema...
sa problemang maaari ka ring masama...

pang-apat...

KAYA MO BANG MAGING TOTOO???...

kaya mo bang makita yung sarili mo...
na kasama pa rin siya ha...
sa isang sitwasyong pag naisip mo eh...
mapapaiyak ka na lang sa sakit...
nang dahil din sa kanya???...

kaya mo bang magmukhang tanga...
as in umiyak ng dahil sa kababawan...
ibuhos ang mga nararamdaman mo...
kahit na puro kababawan nga lang naman...
as in kahit sa harapan niya???...

kaya mo bang maging barubal pag kasama mo siya???...
yung tipo bang wala ka ng pakielam...
mawala man ang manners mo...
na wala ka naman talaga...

in short...

KAYA MO BANG MAGING IKAW KAPAG KASAMA MO NA SIYA???...

yung tipong hindi ka nahihiyang ipakita kung sino ka
talaga...

dahil alam mong...

HINDI MO LANG SIYA TANGGAP...

TANGGAP KA RIN NIYA...

BUONG-BUO RIN...
SANA NAMAN, KUNG TANGGAP MO NGA SIYA,
ALAGAAN AT WAG NA PAKAWALAN...
MINSAN LANG IBIGAY NG DIYOS YAN...
MANIWALA KAYO...

Loving involves two phases. The first intuitive one is loving the person because of who he/she is. The second nobler one is loving the person despite of who he/she is not. The first one sparks love. The second one makes it last.

My Johari Window

2008-12-18T16:54:00.000+08:00

Arena

(known to self and others)

friendly, loving, organised, reflective, self-conscious

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

accepting, brave, calm, caring, cheerful, clever, dependable, giving, happy, helpful, independent, intelligent, kind, knowledgeable, logical, mature, modest, patient, religious, responsive, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, sympathetic, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Façade

(known only to self)

nervous

Unknown

(known to nobody)

able, adaptable, bold, complex, confident, dignified, energetic, extroverted, idealistic, ingenious, introverted, observant, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, searching, self-assertive, spontaneous, tense

Dominant Traits

61% of people agree that ikay is loving

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (5%) adaptable (0%) bold (0%) brave (5%) calm (5%) caring (38%) cheerful (27%) clever (5%) complex (0%) confident (0%) dependable (22%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (27%) giving (11%) happy (22%) helpful (16%) idealistic (0%) independent (5%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (27%) introverted (0%) kind (16%) knowledgeable (11%) logical (5%) loving (61%) mature (16%) modest (16%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (33%) patient (11%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (11%) relaxed (0%) religious (11%) responsive (5%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (11%) sensible (11%) sentimental (27%) shy (5%) silly (5%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (11%) tense (0%) trustworthy (44%) warm (27%) wise (5%) witty (11%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 18.12.2008, using data from 18 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view ikay's full data.

Waiting in vain

2008-12-15T00:09:00.007+08:00

Actually, I'm in a bad mood right now, which actually explains why I'm blogging. So why am I in a bad mood? Secret. I just hate waiting, period. Nagtatampo ba 'ko? Siguro. But who am I to complain anyway? 'Nuff said.

Anyway, on the positive side, I found the URL of my Johari Window. Yeah, the one I've been looking for since forever. Thank God I found it when I was browsing through the archives here in my blog. I realized I was able to mention it in one of my posts, yes, including its darn URL. Harhar. So, if anyone's reading this entry soon, please please don't hesitate to visit my Johari. Besides, using only five or six words to describe me isn't really that hard, is it? :) And by the way, I thought I never used "ikay" as my nickname since it was always spelled with a letter "i" instead of a "y." Anyways, ikai is a lot better right? Hehe. So here's the URL yays:

My Johari Window

Recently I've also been wonderin' how many people actually read my blog. Hmm, I don't have an idea, really. But a while ago, the script from fast online users indicated I had seven visitors online! I can't believe it. Haha, must be a boo boo, but, who cares? Thank you to all the people who waste their time reading this trash. Hehe :)

Anyway, pang Sunday Slowdown lang yung mga kanta sa playlist ko ngayon. Mas nakakabagot tuloy. I think I'd have to sort out everything when I leave for HK/Macau on the 24th. I'll be gone for 8 days, and I hope that when I come back, I was able to realize something definite. Going to Cagayan/Camiguin didn't help much 'cause when I came back, I figured everything was still a mess - the exact same way I left them. So this time, I think detaching myself from some things would do me good, and help me realize eventually what I really want. I just hope I come up with a decision quick, just before the new year starts.

On this note, January would be a totally different month. I'm expecting it to be a lot more serious, and definitely more toxic since it would be the official job hunting month for me. If I'm that lucky, maybe I'd get hired the same month, and if not, there's always February, March and April. By then, I should have completely learned and realized that patience is really a virtue. One thing's for certain though, I'm seeking out for something permanent, since always being in the temporary sucks. In other words, I'm still on the lookout for something real.

one big BLAH

2008-12-13T15:28:00.002+08:00

i'm not in the mood to blog, cos everything's just crazy right now. but still, i'm here, typing incessantly on the keyboard. everything's just so lame. someone please save me. it's really a rough time right now. take me back to the beach...

When you're mad

2008-12-07T14:41:00.008+08:00

I'm now listening to Ne-yo's "When You're Mad," and I can't help remembering someone. Ang cute lang ng lyrics. So sweet. SIGH. Nasaan ka na kaya.

It's just the cutest thing
When you get to fussing (cussing)
Yelling and throwing things
I just wanna eat you up
I don't mean no disrespect
When I start staring
Knowing that it makes you madder (uh, oh)
I'm sorry but seeing you mad is so sexy

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I ain't sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Baby, don't think I don't take you seriously
But I just can't help the fact that your attitude excites me (so exciting)
And you know ain't nothing better
Then when we get
Mad together and have angry sex (I'll blow you out)
Then we forget what we were mad about

[Hook]
Could it be the little wrinkle over your nose
When you make your angry face
That makes me wanna just take off all your clothes
And sex you all over the place
Could it be the lil' way you storm around
That makes me wanna tear you down
Baby, I'm not sure, but one thing that I do know is

[Chorus 2x]
Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy

Every time you scream at me
I wanna kiss you
Baby when you put your hands on me
I wanna touch you
And when we get to arguing
Just gotta kiss you
Baby, I don't know why it's like that
But you're just so damn sexy
When you're mad

Ibalik niyo ko sa Camiguin, please lang.

2008-12-07T01:18:00.006+08:00

Haha, I so feel stupid right now. Haha what's new. But this time, it hit me right on the head. Masakit sa una, and 15 minutes ago I felt like I was on the verge of tears but now, parang natatawa na lang ako sa kagagahan ko. In a couple of days I'd be turning 23, and I still haven't learned my lesson. :)) damnit. Why do I have to be wrong all the time? It must be the HOT pink polish, yeah I'm blaming the HOT pink polish.

'Di bale, cool lang Ikai. That's what I keep on telling myself. A LOT is still in store for me. I'm looking forward to Dec. 15 and 17. Really. I need my friends now. Gusto ko lang tumawa ng tumawa for one whole day. I wanna go back to UP, spend time with them, just laugh the day away. Sigh. "And I'll be alright, as long as it matters..." Buti na lang talaga may facebook eh.

I think people nowadays should start paying attention to the little bundles of joy that life brings. For instance, I pricked my blackhead a while ago, tapos lumabas lahat kasi hinog na, tapos ang saya lang ng feeling na I got rid of it. Yeah, it's painful at first. Pero titiisin mo, kasi sa huli, alam mong may patutunguhan yung sakit. May purpose. And when you're done, makinis na ulit mukha mo. Di ba. Ang mahirap lang minsan, when you know that you're in a lot of pain, and yet you're not driven by any purpose for the pain you're experiencing. Wala lang, 'yung tipong lutang ka lang sa dagat at hindi mo alam kung saang dalampasigan ka aanurin.

I'm glad nagising ako, without any help from GranMa or Red Horse or whatever. Pero talagang kailangan pa masaktan ng tao bago sila magising 'no? Siguro this time, I need to make myself whole first, without anyone's help. Hindi pwedeng sugod lang ng sugod, kasi hindi pa naman talaga ako buo. Tapos, nung akala ko malapit ko na mabuo ulit sarili ko, biglang dinurog ulit ng ibang tao.

Manunuod na lang ako ng laban ni Pacquiao bukas. I hope he wins.

Why Can't I?

2008-12-04T20:21:00.001+08:00

Why Can't I - Liz Phair

Get a load of me, get a load of you
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be

Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right
And I've got someone waiting too

What if this is just the beginning
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breakin' up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful

Here we go, we're at the beginning
We haven't fucked yet, but my heads spinning

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

High enough for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
High enough for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
out of this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

For the much awaited vaca

2008-11-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

I'm off to the beach. Yay! :) Leaving 4:45 am today, going back on Wednesday. :)

A few lines that struck me

2008-11-27T23:55:00.004+08:00

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and we'll never find another
Just realize what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

- Realize, Colbie Caillat

What I've been up to

2008-11-27T15:36:00.009+08:00

I've been reading this certain blog a while ago, but no I'm not going to mention the author's name. It's just funny how we can learn a lot about people now, just because of the tremendous amount of information they've uploaded on the web. Everyone is just stalkable right now, don't you think? But no, don't get me wrong. I'm not stalking this person. Whatever I need to know, I could always ask him. But reading another person's blog is another story. You put up your thoughts on the web, and you're letting the whole world know how you feel, or what's happening in your life right now. That's why I decided not to publish the most serious of my thoughts online, haha, those things I just prefer keeping to myself.

Anyway, yesterday mom and I had a pedicure manicure date at Relaksasi, located at the 5th floor of SM Megamall. Although they're still on soft opening (they just opened last Monday), I would totally recommend this place to everyone who needs some serious pampering or me time. They let their customers relax on their lazy boy chairs while their attendants do your nails or scrub your footsies. Nakatulog pa nga kami sa sobrang sarap nung masahe at sobrang tahimik nung lugar (imagine, only Enya like music playing on the background as you sit back, relax and enjoy the moment, hehe). Plus, it's really not that expensive. You'd be even served complimentary hot tea after, so saan ka pa? We'll probably be going back with ate as soon as we get back from Camiguin. :)

So there, right after Megamalling, we went to Shangri-la to meet up with ate. Then after dinner, we all went to Zara to try on some clothes haha and so that ate can show me the coat she'd been ranting about all day. Man, that place can be really depressing! As in. So many wonderful clothes, and yet so little moolah. C'mon, the coat I've been eyeing on costs P8,000 and the super cute elf boots cost P3,000. It's really crazy. When I get my first paycheck, I hope I can reward myself with something from Zara. Yesterday, I was only able to afford the tights haha, but yay another affordable Zara clothing to add in my closet. :)

It's 4:21 pm and I really have to start packing up already. Lol.

blurb blurb

2008-11-25T23:58:00.002+08:00

i'm really sleepy already. i'm even wondering why i'm still writing an entry right now. i just watched harold and kumar escapes from guantanamo bay, and it was effin' hilarious! it's really a recommended watch, and john cho's cuteness factor is a real plus. hehe. he's just so adorable! i don't know why i find chinitos cute now when before i thought they have the weirdest eyes. hmm.

i'm missing a lot of people right now. i miss school. i miss my teachers, my blockmates, my friends, everyone. sigh. tomorrow i'd be going to up again, but i know it would never be the same as before. i have so many questions in my mind, but i really haven't thought of seeking out answers. if i can only buy myself my own share of peace of mind, i would. come to think of it, being a bum can still be quite stressful 'cause when you're not doing anything, you're forced to think about certain things you didn't have enough time and energy to ponder on when you were still busy. like now, i still don't know what i want. or prolly i always knew what i want, i just didn't know how to get it.

oh well, whatever. i'll be leaving in less than a week! hurrays :D

Bleh

2008-11-22T17:28:00.000+08:00

Hay. I really feel sick. I couldn't even stand up straight because of my tummy ache. I vomitted this morning and now I really feel week. I couldn't get up that's why I practically spent the entire day lying on the bed, until I got so bored and found some strength to stand up and get my laptop. I'm overwhelmed by some people who showed concern in whatever way they can. I'm not expecting that their worlds should stop just because I'm sick. But it just made me feel better that they are concerned. Wala lang. It's not as if I'm in the hospital bed sick of dengue or something, although it really felt like I was already going to die this morning because of the pain. My sister cooked sopas for me, mama gave me meds every now and then, papa scolded me for not eating (yeah I think this counts as being or showing concern), some people texted and pm'd 'cause I put "sick" in my facebook status. Thank you thank you thank you. :)

And the culprit? I think it's because of the tea that ate made me drink last night. I forgot its name, but it's supposed to help me flush out all the toxins in my body. Unfortunately, my body reacted badly, and instead of feeling rejuvenated, I am really feeling weak now. I hope this only lasts until today, because tomorrow I have to go to mass, and on monday I have to go shopping. Hehe. Well, shopping cures everything naman, 'di ba?

So there, I have to muster enough strength to take a bath because I already stink. Will try to eat first but I do hope that this time, dinner doesn't end up getting flushed too soon in the toilet, if you know what I mean. Sayang kasi ang sopas. Hehe.

dizzy up the girl

2008-11-19T18:48:00.005+08:00

bakit ganon? bakit pa kailangan mag create ng mga difficult na tao. as in... or ako ba yung problema? sometimes, it's just so hard to tell. and damn i wish i can tell right away. and damn, how vague can i get here? haha.

life can be so hard. it's like we have to analyze everything. and then, why is it also so unfair?

by the way, i've learned how to put my heart on my sleeve. hindi ako ganito. pero ngayon, i realized life is so short to hold back. kaya lang, it also didn't do me good, dahil until now, naguguluhan pa rin ako. everything's just... blurred.

anyways, i'm kinda happy na din. i went jogging yesterday and i've been on a serious diet. it makes me feel more healthy and more beautiful this way :)

blank

2008-11-15T20:33:00.003+08:00

ang tanga tanga ko. as in super duper mega over stupid. parang hindi lang ako natututo. i thought i was smart enough to handle these things. na kung magaling ka, mas magaling ako. kung mautak ka, mas mautak naman ako. i thought i had everything under control. pero hindi pala. i always have my doubts, pero ang bilis ko rin maniwala.

rarr. sana natulog na lang ako ngayon.

emo

2008-11-10T19:55:00.004+08:00

"I'm Still Here"

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here

* just a song from vertical horizon to sum it all up. i'm leaving tonight. when i get back, i hope to have recovered, kahit konti lang. i don't want to hate anymore. i will get better, indeed. bahala na. one thing's for sure, i'm still hurting, but i'm still here.

Brightside

2008-10-20T17:54:00.004+08:00

i've been wondering why i am acting this way. i feel like i'm a kid all over again. i'm actually cherishing each and every moment i laugh or smile. and when i cry, i cry my heart out. but my tears don't last long. after i feel that i've poured everything out already (like for about 5 mins. max, seriously) i stop and go on with my day like i felt no pain at all. a friend told me that this condition could be serious, for instead of me dealing with the problem, i just tend to shut it off completely. am i traumatized? i don't really know. life is too short though so i'm not worrying it away.

i've never appreciated itunes this much before. i'm loving tori amos' songs. and i think she wrote 'sleeps with butterflies' and 'goodbye pisces' especially for me. lol.

excitement grows as days pass by, although i'm not really sure what i'm excited about. but hell at least it doesn't feel like the end of the world. i'm excited to fall in love again, but only God knows when. :)

I used to love late night chats

2008-10-17T22:09:00.003+08:00

I still do. But now something has changed. And yes, I can't deny that I'm badly missing someone. Although I still feel that I smile a lot now, something is still missing. But yeah I know I'll get over it. Even though it actually feels like I've lost one of my hands.

My paper and pen have been doing their jobs well. Whenever a thought pops into my head, I just write them down. I've been writing the silliest things. Just like this afternoon, I caught myself flames-ing my name with some person I don't even want to talk about here because that's another story. That made me realize that probably, I'm just not born to marry. LOL. I probably just don't like committing myself to someone for the rest of my life. That's bad, I know. But of course things can change.

Have you experienced like feeling so stupid for doing something, but then you still keep on doing the same thing over and over again? Yeah, I can't stop. I'm so stubborn I refuse to learn from my mistakes. Call me retarded. Call me jaded. But I've committed the same mistake thrice. And I just keep on hurting people in the process. Why is that?

Today, I spent like 90% of it listening to my playlist. Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I end up staring blankly into space, and sometimes I just end up smiling. I just wish I haven't smiled and laughed a lot today, so that I wouldn't end up crying right now.

Free fallin'

2008-10-15T16:27:00.009+08:00

Free Fallin - John Mayer

She's a good girl, loves her mama
Loves Jesus and America too
Shes a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

It's a long day living in reseda
There's a freeway runnin' through the yard
And I'm a bad boy 'cause I don't even miss her
I'm a bad boy for breakin her heart

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

All the vampires walkin' through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'
Free fallin', now I'm free fallin', now I'm
Free fallin', now I'm free fallin', now I'm

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin'
Gonna leave this world for a while

And I'm free, free fallin'
Yeah I'm free, free fallin'

such a nice nice song.
anyways
gonna get back to my singing now.
i think i'll be doing this for an entire week.
or a month. or watever.
sigh.

so you think i'm taking this all easy?

mine all mine - shedaisy

2008-10-15T01:10:00.004+08:00

two teardrops and that's it. stupid stupid song made me cry.

...

(in another episode)

bawal mamangka sa dalawang ilog.
but what's with 5"11 men with greenish blue eyes?
am i swooning? not yet. but yeah. i kind of broke that rule above.

SO?
idamnfeelsostupidrightnow.

Reasons why Ateneo or La Salle is better

2008-09-28T02:56:00.002+08:00

http://www.mediafire.com/?minmvknolym

my mind changes every 10 seconds

2008-09-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

that's why i changed my blog skin again. again and again and again. i dunno if i just love layouts so much or what. it's just that i always want my blog's feel to reflect my current mood.

mama left for australia yesterday. we miss her. i want to ride airplanes again. every plane take-off is different from the previous one. my first one during our hk trip was unforgettable. well, every plane take-off is unforgettable. airplane landings are blah as always.

can't wait to end this semester. it's been hell, but i'm expecting relief after all the schoolwork's been done. soon. after all, the real life is always after school. i don't even know if i'd still remember my thesis statement ten years from now.

i have a new motto. well not really. it's just that i always want to think first about my real intentions before i do something. it helps. these past few days i've stopped trash talking. well i haven't really stopped, but i think it lessened. haha. but you know, it can really get someone into focus if you sort out your intentions first before doing something.

la salle lost game 1 to ateneo. okay, 'nuf said. they lost. better luck next game. and if they still lose, better luck next season. too bad, it's casio's last year in the uaap. oh dear.

i'm actually not in the mood to write. i think it does reflect. i don't ever want to change my blog's skin anymore. not in the next few weeks i hope.

Just an attempt...

2008-09-12T17:43:00.005+08:00

Just a few pictures i tried manipulating :)

Nag-iisang UP.

2008-09-10T13:07:00.005+08:00

Nag-iisang UP. Bow.

Bitchy

2008-09-07T12:14:00.001+08:00

I must admit, these are all true. Well at least I'm honest. :))

You Are 70% Bitchy

While you may not think of yourself as the ice queen, admit it, you're often in a bad mood.

And it's those around you who often bear the brunt of your annoyance, even if they haven't done anything wrong!

How Bitchy Are You?

What Your Name Says About You

Your name says that you are mostly:

Energetic but impatient

Your name also says you are:

Moral but jealous

Unconventional but unstable

Artistic but extreme

What Does Your Name Say About You?

Boo-ness.

2008-09-07T00:04:00.001+08:00

I am feeling really down as of this writing. The worst isn’t over, but it’s a good thing that now i only have 3 subjects to balance altogether, that including my thesis. I have just finished organizing a press con for our finals in j152, and hell I’m proud of myself even though we ended up asking Dionne Monsanto instead to portray the role of Valerie Concepcion as our Soneva Spa endorser.

It felt kind of awkward with her portraying the role of some other artista, knowing that she is a celebrity herself (if Dionne doesn’t ring a bell to you, she is an ex pbb housemate which makes her a celebrity, I believe). But really, she did a good job and our professor even commended her guest/media relations skills (naman, artista nga siya 'di ba). Everything went the way I planned and imagined it, thanks also to my group mate, partner and friend Cha.

It was all actually a product of our brain. She did the hosting and the press kit while I did the script and organized the rest of the props. Thanks a bunch also to Rachelle Pascual for portraying the role of Soneva Spa's Marketing Manager. :)) ‘Ika nga ni Linnus Pauling,

in order to arrive at a great idea, one must first have a lot of ideas.

But that isn’t the real deal. I am not sad because of some shit related to acads. Those things don’t make me sad, they drive me ballistic. Anyway, call me mababaw, but the team I so wanted to win lost to ateneo today. Okay, that makes me a green archer fan. But no, I’m not a lasallian, so who am I to rant anyway. The rantable thing is, Casio the King Archer, barely scored a point during the entire game. I don’t know what happened to him, kung nakulam ba siya or talagang masama lang ang pakiramdam niya. Nonetheless, his other teammates were able to deliver some points, but without Casio’s efficient shooting especially from beyond the arc, the team would really still be found wanting in the end. I’m not going to do some sour grapping here because maybe, the blue eagles really deserved to win. Minsan kapag talo ka ibibintang mo sa iba, pero pag nanalo ka tapos na ang kuwento, ‘di ba? Eh what if talagang nadaya, or what if talagang magaling lang yung isa. As I believe, the truth is always somewhere in the middle.

In the end, I am forced to think that it was all but a ball game. My life doesn’t change after their match anyway, win or lose.

Sana kasi hindi ko na lang naging crush si Casio. Boo.

it's 4 in the morning and hell yea i'm writing

2008-09-06T04:10:00.009+08:00

and yes, i'm blogging. i don't really know what got into my head which made me visit blogger again. probably i got too excited about the layout, but not really about writing. yes, i'm not comfortable publishing my thoughts online and it's weird that i am taking up journalism. a lot of instances have already convinced me that i am indeed not a writer, but more of an artist. kung may multimedia arts lang sa up, yun na lang sana kinuha ko. (or maybe there is an existing course in up close to this one). or perhaps i would've taken up geology instead. for more sir fernando. or, environmental science. you know, something more related to the study of the earth. (sabi ko nga, save the turtles, then kill the vietnamese... who killed the hundred turtles). i'm not an environmentalist though, it's just that turtles are my friends.

okay. so if you've read my previous blogs, you'd probably think this is the most spontaneous one i've ever written. it's like, i'm thinking and writing at the same time. before i used to sort out my thoughts first, and then i write. well, i believed that was the "right way" to write. anyway...

in my sts class last tuesday, ambeth ocampo came to give a lecture on rizal. well, he gave quite a lecture. one of the things that really got me interested was the connection between jack the ripper and our national hero. he mentioned a specific website (which i forgot, poor memory sucks) which mentioned rizal as one of the people suspected of being the ripper. hell yeah. this of course wasn't proven, but it would be interesting to take note that they both had the same initials and that the ripper, according to ocampo, used a scalpel to kill his victims (remember that rizal was a doctor). some other sources argue that jack the ripper was active during the time rizal was in london and when the latter left, the ripper murders ironically stopped. i'm not insinuating that rizal was a killer, for one, i wouldn't want to cause riot. bottomline? sts classes can be quite interesting. haha :)) and ambeth ocampo's last words?

rizal's greatest misfortune was that he became our national hero...

meanwhile, it's a big day tomorrow, or today, rather. go go la salle! go go KING ARCHER!!!

There's Cellulite on Each One of Us

2008-04-05T00:11:00.007+08:00

Hook a hunk.

Find your cutest style.

Get pretty.

Get everything you want.

And last but not the least, Make men love you.

Now imagine the most beautiful women in the world. You think they’re familiar. It’s almost like you’ve already seen them somewhere. You don’t know them but you know they exist. They don’t have cellulites like you but you’re pretty much sure that they’re real.

And then you remember reading the 140+ pages of what is known as every girl’s bible. It’s glossy and colorful, that’s why it’s fun to read. It doesn’t leave your hands dirty the way the ol’ newspaper does. You sometimes even think that it smells wonderful and addictive, just the way you’re drawn to the scent of a book you’ve just bought from the store as you sniff through its crisp and unspoiled pages.

All the most beautiful women in the world – you’ve seen them among these pages. Sitting on top of them all is the ultimate cover girl. She’s the goddess of all goddesses, the fairest of them all, in her long-hair-cute-nose-naïve-smile-full-cleavage-glory. And then you ask yourself, what does she have that you don’t have?

Well, EVERYTHING. She has everything. As if a voice echoed from somewhere, you hear this word wave after wave after wave. You are drawn to her picture the more you stare at it. You know you’ve probably had lesbian tendencies before but what you feel now is entirely different. For some reason, her hair flows the exact way you want yours to, her teeth sparkles the way you expected yours to after brushing ten times more often and her skin glow is only what you could wish for, if only you came out of your mother’s womb already sporting a tan. What is more, you’ve suddenly felt the need to stop eating after noticing how downright flat her tummy is. You wonder just how many days she spent crunching at the gym or probably how much thousands she paid Dr. Vicky Belo or Dr. Calayan or some other clever doctor just to make it that flat.

Clearly, she is the epitome of beauty – the living standard, a walking stereotype on her own. We see her everywhere. We see her every morning in billboards that dot the two edges of EDSA to primetime TV shows and commercials at night. More importantly, she is the woman you see among the pages of your favorite magazines. You know you look different from her, or better yet, she looks different from you or from every other girl friend you have. No, she did not come from outer space, at least that you’re sure of. But why does she have the bod you’d be more than willing to die for? Why does it seem like she has everything?

When you read magazines, it absorbs you into a whole new world. The color, the glossy pages and the vivid pictures all look surreal. On its cover, you see colorful phrases in bold: Hook a hunk. Find your cutest style. Get pretty. Get everything you want. Make men love you. For P85 to P150, it already promises to change your life infinitely, as if everything you need you will find inside its pages. And just as long as you have the money to spend, you’re on your way towards getting the life you’ve always wanted, even if doesn’t mean replacing the ultimate “it girl” on the cover.

I’ll tell you about the September 2007 issue of a popular magazine.* On its cover, you will find Jessica Alba wearing a tight-fitting, zip-up tank top and black jeans. The phrase MAKE MEN LOVE YOU! shouts from the upper left part of the cover. Inside this issue, you will find articles like “Beauty News: New Mascaras to wow up your eyes,” “Beauty Hair: The right way to part your beautiful hair,” “How to bleach brows,” “How to wake up sans an alarm clock, be a natural comedienne, and use a public CR without catching cooties.”

Now you tell me, since when has parting your hair had a wrong way of doing? The magazine acts as a mentor of sorts who will “teach” women the difference between the right and the wrong way of doing things, for a price of course. It has a say on what’s appropriate and not, on what’s in and what’s out. Because of this, we tend to agree on one ideal and one standard, merely because the magazine, rather the editor, said so. What is sells to you are not the updates on fashion, the latest trends or the products it features inside. Because for P150, you have only purchased yourself a one-way ticket to addiction.

By playing up some things to the “ideal,” the magazines we practically devour from cover to cover offer us a quick fix from our toxic and tedious lives. We read on articles on how to bleach our brows, how to get pretty and how to make men come running after us, and yet, these only offer a momentary escape, a fleeting solution. In reality, you can really never be as pretty as Jessica Alba nor be the hottest chick in town in just an instant, worse is that P150 wouldn’t even fake a tan akin to the Hollywood star.

Let’s face it. We all don’t look like these cover girls. What’s ironic is that, after spending for a 140+ page magazine, you find that none of your problems have diminished or have been minimized at all, only your self-worth. You find that you still can’t hook a hunk, your style remains so-so, you’re still not pretty enough, men don’t love you more than before, and more importantly, you still can’t get everything and anything you want.

Now close your eyes. Imagine again the most beautiful women in the world.

You have P150 in your hand. Keep it. Find someone who will tell you outright that you’re fat or someone who isn’t afraid to tell you that your right nostril is bigger than your left one. Then buy yourselves some Mocha Frappuccino. Clearly, you did not find yourself a hunk, but who cares? You’ve won yourself a friend.

the valentine's day rush

2008-02-02T01:07:00.000+08:00

valentine's day is just sooo near. i don't know if i'm going to be happy or sad that only in a couple of days we'd be celebrating it, well, for some obvious reasons. yeah, it's something to look forward to. but come to think of it, does it really serve its purpose? i mean, it's not like we only love on valentine's day. every freakin' day is supposed to be a day for loving, am i right or am i right? well yeah, maybe it's made exclusively for lovers and for others who missed out on gift giving last Christmas. i just find it quite weird that some couples deliberately require from each other gifts on that special day. and mind you, it's also not a test of relationship. if your partner gives you flowers on valentine's, that doesn't automatically mean your relationship would last forever. and no, that also doesn't qualify you to be called love team of the year. sorry for spoiling your hopes. i don't even know why i sound so bitter and yet, i still do celebrate valentine's day. okay, so that defeats my whole point. maybe i'm just against all that kaplastikan. it's like sooo easy to tell if a couple (or a member of the couple) is really in love, or is just faking it. c'mon, can't you tell? some things are just for show.

as for me, i can't fake love. i can't because of the mere fact that i do something because i feel like i want to do it. i can't fake love just because i want someone to drive me to buildings around school. if you really know me, you'd know why. i never wanted to be in love just to show off. i never wanted to be in love just because i think that having someone with me is a need. i believe that it only becomes a need when you're already with someone. you tend to feel a need for that person no matter what. you tend to lose all your instincts and just let go of everything. you do it because you're in love. and you don't care because you know you're happy. you keep on giving but you don't feel like losing any at all. you know that you're going to die at some point but because you're in love, you think you're immortal because what you feel is eternal. and sometimes, looking at the one you love moves you to tears, and yet, you don't know why. you know you're not sad. and you know you hate crying.

and then suddenly you hear Stereophonics on iTunes, and you realize, it's valentine's day soon...

And the sun sets in the sky
You're the apple of my eye
If the bomb goes off again
In my brain or on the train
I hope that I'm with you
'Cos I wouldn't know what to do
It means nothing
If I haven't got you
-stereophonics, it means nothing

after a long long time...

2008-01-20T02:40:00.000+08:00

hello people (this is me pretending to actually have an audience). it's been such a long time of no blogging. after i came across bianca gonzales' and kc concepcion's blogs, i somehow felt the urge to write. i was afraid that if i don't write something tonight, i might not be able to write forever. somehow, i feel that my writing skills are slowly deteriorating (if i ever really had the skills..), or maybe i'm just a bit paranoid or pressured knowing that this (writing) is the only talent that i have. well i'm still quite dubious if i really have already mastered it and if i can really consider it a talent of mine, but what the heck...

i can't help thinking about my future. where will i be like, 5 or 10 years from now? will i be really in australia just as my parents thought? will i be a proud journalist? or will i end up doing something else for a living, say, hooking up with someone who can support me? well, i'd rather not because i know the latter one wouldn't be a foolproof plan unless i start learning the art of hypnotism now. but come to think of it, i have already hypnotized someone. and the potion lasts as of this writing... but hey, ginayuma niya din naman ako ah? you do know i'm kidding :D

anyhow, wherever i'd be in the not so near future, i just hope that i still have my family, friends and all my loved ones with me. i plan to be filthy rich so i can buy myself a jaguar. i'd probably have a lot of condo units and a rest house somewhere south. i'd probably dine using gold utensils and i'd be having diamonds for breakfast, lunch and dinner instead of chicken. i'd have a gorgeous bod any girl would be willing to die for. oh behold the utopian dream...

but, *snap snap* reality check. since when have diamonds been edible anyway? and last time i checked, only belo if not marie france can offer solutions to pesky cellulites. it's after all a choice between shedding huge amounts of cash or having your thighs amputated or something. if only it were that easy. and if only cellulites were really the only problem.

i have a lot of problems. i want to disclose them but i cannot. i want to scream yet no voice is coming out. i want to poop but i'm constipated... wtf? and to think all i wanted was to love...

so there. this is actually my first entry as myself and not as anyone else. i've always been telling people how i hate poseurs. this is me. but my eyes are telling me i'm already sleepy. so i will not pretend that i'm still so enthusiastic to begin another paragraph. after all, the real world starts only after i close my eyes.

2006-10-26T23:08:00.000+08:00

sigh. today was a tiring day for me and i feel like hitting the bed early. other than body aches and the like, i've been also emotionally drained these past few days. i've been thinking of a lot of things lately - grades, friends, gmix, etc. well if there's just one thing i can wish for right at this moment, it would certainly be to have peace of mind, even just for the remaining days of the sembreak.

and you ask me now, just what do i mean when i say i'm emotionally drained? this is what happens when a person trashes you face to face and all you can do is hold back, yeah, hold back and withhold, like it's going out of style. they always tell me to just let things pass and act normally, even if inside the anger is more than enough to kill me. well, consider that a hyperbole but anyways, you get what i mean.

it's not so usual of me to express so much angst using this blog, which only proves how explosive i am right now. i can't elaborate further. it's just a fact that people change. but it can be helpful if one would realize the things they believe in. act mature if you think you really are. be happy for others' blessings because they deserve it and for that matter, count your own. never ever trash the people who have done no harm to you. and if too much pride already burns you and your superficial soul, just read: go to hell.

2006-09-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

here we go again... i am going to publish my thoughts so that each and every person in this world would be able to possibly get into my world - ikai's world. now anyone is free to criticize and trash my ideas, thanks to information revolution and blogging. what the heck, we are all critical thinkers in this world anyway.

tomorrow will be a very long day for me. my friends, classmates in geography and i are scheduled for a day trip tomorrow to north bataan. someone just informed me that meeting time has already been moved 6am, from the original 5:30 am. nevertheless, i will be hitting school early (read: the early bird gets the worm syndrome). some of the itineraries include the pawikan conservation center and of course, the bataan nuclear plant. lunch will be held outdoors, but my friends and i decided to pack our own food.

maybe it's sorta obvious that i am so energized for this out of town trip. i've heard we'd all be releasing poor pawikans to the sea. i am not so sure if it's obvious that i'm a nature kind of person but as a matter of fact, i really am hooked on nature. not that i am going to be an environmentalist someday but eversince i was a kid, i've dreamt of holding a turtle in my hands and releasing it to its natural home. and tomorrow, i'd be realizing my childhood fantasy. =)

in line with this, the death of steve irwin shocked me. not only because he died of a freak accident, but because everything was just so unexpected. for all of you who aren't fans of animal planet, steve irvin holds documentary shows on that said channel. he's known for his near carnival-like tendencies - challenging crocodiles, snakes and the like. he technically defies death, and while shooting his documentary on stingrays, he had his last straw. i am not so sure about this but the news said he swam over the stingray and its sharp, pointed tail pierced his chest area, maybe as its form of defense mechanism. steve irvin, after removing the sharp tail in his chest, died on the spot. indeed, death has no foreshadowing.

as for tomorrow, i have to wake up early so that means i have to hit the sacks now. otherwise, i will wake up 11:30 am, and my classmates will already be climbing up the shrine of valor. so, chow my friends.

2006-08-09T00:22:00.000+08:00

seriously in love

well, i am. i am in love. i am so hooked up by motorola v3x, the hot pink limited edition. i was hoping i could sell my phone so that my parents could just add 6 thousand bucks to my 10 thousand worth nokia 7610. it's just so frustrating when you're really craving for something but you don't have enough resources to provide yourself with it. well anyways, i will have that phone. as always, i am getting in touch with my materialistic side and as of now i can't think of means to distract myself from it.

btw, i spent my monday night at this dessert bar at galle. well maybe you've all heard of "Jack's Loft" somewhere but seriously, food there is super delicious. i especially recommend their "ooey gooey cheese sticks" and the "I declare" for dessert. what the heck, i think everthing on the menu is good and so i officially declare "Jacks's Loft," a happy happy place. =) it's just funny how Ate managed to finish the rice toppings, penne, and the dessert plate. as for me, sigh... my diet is neverending.

>i am feeling quite dizzy now. ah basta, i will dream of my hot pink motorola v3x! i just gotta have one.

2006-08-05T23:43:00.000+08:00

in a make-shift reality, YOU ARE MINE.

2006-07-24T21:43:00.001+08:00

on maniacs.

no classes today, july 24. i was hoping tomorrow there'd be no classes again. sometimes it's just so easy to bring out the juan tamad in me...

oh well, i have a lot of things to deal with. i can smell the strong scent of midterms coming and i know the suspension of classes aren't abetting my study habits. it is just so easy to procrastinate and do "other" things, not to mention friendster, limewire, and err, blogspot?

speaking of friendster, i just deleted a friend last night. he wasn't someone i knew personally, though. in other words, he's just one of my friends in friendster who are just "there" to fill in and to look like i did have 380 plus friends. hell no. i knew i should've deleted him early on when he was just beginning to send "creepy" messages. i didn't know then that you could actually ask someone out through fs. now if that's not creepy enough, i've got loads more to tell but i might just sound egoistic and so self-absorbed so, never mind. i just wanna share, anyway.

a few more hours and i should be probably hitting the sacks already. i'm off to school as early as 6.30 am to meet my geography groupmates. sigh. too much workload but definitely insufficient working time.

2006-07-08T22:45:00.000+08:00

i can't resist writing an entry so here i am. i can't believe i'd be having my first journalism quiz on monday on the readings about the history of the philippine press. i practically have nothing against quizzes, but i am seriously craving for essays and the like. i am not a vocal person especially when it comes to class participation. i'd rather answer everything in essay form and submit it to you after class. now with this kind of thinking, i don't even know if i'm still fit for journalism. but hey, come to think of it, it's all about the editorials and the news leads, right?

i can't help staring at my own filecase. no, this is not me and "the staring blankly into space syndrome" once again. i got, or rather "snatched," three new versions of the mango magazine at mango shangri-la. they're not for sale (or at least i believe they're not). i cut some ramp model pictures from it and taped it on my own filecase. i just love the idea of being hip and at the same time being able to "conceal" whatever it is that lies inside my filecase. it's not that i'm hiding something, i just don't like the idea of being just like any other "primitive" person in the crowd who carries a filecase wherever he or she goes. i seriously am also against conformity and similitude. after all, i am in a deviant campus anyway.

so what's in store for me tomorrow? i surely don't know. except the fact that we'd be going to annapolis greenhills to get the book i've been looking for all over the world for my kas 114 paper. two books more to go. the up main lib is not serving its purpose to me so i hope the national bookstore will.

this had gone longer than expected. i guess i really did miss blogging so much...

2006-06-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

At California Pizza Kitchen

2006-06-25T22:12:00.000+08:00

a note on splurging

i am so inlove with the grilled cheese foccacia with checca at california pizza chicken. wala lang, i just wanna share :) hehe. if you guys, or whoever might be reading this blog right now, i am seriously promoting cpk hahaha. i'm just so into their pizzas and pastas. oh well, it should taste great for its price. just so you know, you might wanna come to cpk with at least a thousand bucks in your pocket. ;)

well aside from my usual craving, i just realized recently that i have already found a clothing haven which i doubt would fail in any possible way, with regards to completing my fashion, ehrm, style. i am so into Mango lately but just like the establishment i mentioned above, you shouldn't expect to have at least a shirt for less than a thousand bucks. oh well, as i keep on telling myself, 10 thousand bucks would be SO easy to spend on clothes, all in a day. Believe me.

tomorrow is another day for me in school. so now i turn off my social mode and welcome myself into my own world of "geekness."

2006-06-19T20:33:00.000+08:00

newest mascot

I am now currently saving myself from boredom as i wait for my first class this day. my father brought me to school at 8am in the morning when in fact, my class starts at eleven thirty. i can't imagine how many hours i still have to spend thinking of something worthwhile doing, aside from staring blankly at my palm, all in its sharp colored screen glory. (thank God it's serving its purpose...)

i just wanna go back home and play with my kiwi. She's the newest member of the family, fiy. And mind you, Kiwi is a bagel, a crossbreed of the popular basset hound and beagle. although i wanted so much to have a pure basset hound as a pet, Kiwi is so much better than nothing.

Papa found her advertised in some buy and sell magazine. Since we were in UP last Sunday to hear the 10 am mass, we decided to go visit the puppy in some place in Commonwealth. The first time i saw Kiwi, I felt the connection. HAHA, i dunno, maybe it's just me or is it my k9 roots surfacing?

Being the spoiled puppy she already was, my parents bought her her very own doggie supplies at frontera verde, tiendesitas, the very same day we purchased her. I almost wished i were a dog instead so they could also shop and splurge 3,000 bucks for me, all in one day...

Oh well, so much for my doggie dreams. I am getting tired. I must end this now or else i'd never stop. As soon as i get blessed with ample time, i will be posting Kiwi's puppy pictures here. =D

2006-06-18T12:37:00.000+08:00

Happy Happy Daddy's Day

to all the Dads in the world,

most especially to my very own, Papsy :)

2006-06-12T21:56:00.000+08:00

sick.

school starts tomorrow. call it karma or whatever but i'm so sick right now. this tonsilitis came out of nowhere like i have been eating sweets all week. but hell no... my throat is really swelling and aching bad right now - exactly a day before i hit my first day of class as a junior. this sem will be the first time i'll be getting a journalism subject and i'm so anxious about it. i dunno... i don't think i'm "that" ready yet. when was i or when would i be ready, anyway?

aching throat, cannot even utter a word. a more than perfect way to start a new sem...

2006-06-12T21:22:00.000+08:00

some songs i have been all ears to recently...

Mr. Brightside

The Killers

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside
I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside
I never...
I never...
I never...

As Lovers Go

Dashboard Confessional

she said "i've gotta be honest,
you're wasteing your time if you're fishing round here."
and i said "you must be mistaken,
cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real"
she said...she said "you gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?
"No, you've got wits, you've got looks,
you've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."
all wrong.
all wrong.
but you got me...
i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
and i said "i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life."
for so long i thought i was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.
you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?
tonight.
tonight.
but you've got me...
i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, whats the sense in waiting?

2006-06-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

eeeek.

i know this might seem so "jologs" but i don't know, the chorus of this song has just gotten into me that much that i'm even posting its lyrics here. go read. :)

Dahil ikaw ang sigaw ng puso ko
Ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang nais ko ay malaman mo
Na ikaw ang tanging pangarap ng buhay
Pag-ibig ko sa iyo ibibigay
Nais ko ay malaman mo
Na mahal kita

... if you have no idea what this song is, go figure. but i have heard this song play a couple of times in some primetime telenovela in abs-cbn. hahaha, i guess i should be getting really "sick" now...

tomorrow will be a big day. i'll be hitting shangri-la around 6pm and will be meeting the elves people there. i miss them so much, and i just can't wait...

2006-05-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

how come thoughts only come in when i'm inside the bathroom? just wonderin'.

i love my banyo moments. sigh...

2006-05-14T21:25:00.000+08:00

grrr.

i've been thinking about this person the whole day. and now i know what runs inside your heads right now. read: this is not related to my love life in any way, and i'm quite sure of that.

when i heard mass this morning, i asked God if it would be possible for Him to just take all the hurt and the grudge away, just so that i could pretend that nothing happened. throughout the mass i've been really thinking how much i'm beginning to hate this person, although i know i shouldn't. they always say that when you hate someone, you must care to think that there still lies "some" goodness in that individual, no matter how cruel or rude they may be. i kept trying 'til the mass has ended, and even until we hit shopwise for our weekly grocery needs. nothing happened. this someone is really bothering me and i know that this is not just that something i'd get over with overnight.

you might be thinking now who that person is. i am being vague, i know i am. i just thought that whoever might be reading this entry right now may not even have an idea or may not have even met in his/her entire lifetime the subject of this crap. i know it wouldn't be fair if i get too specific, after all, i am still on that stage of sorting out my emotions. although yeah, i know i have been listening more to the "devil" lately.

come to think of it, i am wasting my time writing this entry, about a person i'd least consider wasting my time on.

so who's the loser now?

2006-05-14T01:53:00.000+08:00

HAPPY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

TO MY DEAREST

MAMSY,

and to all the other moms in the world. :)

2006-05-03T01:04:00.000+08:00

"Far Away"

Nickelback

This time,

This place

Misused,

Mistakes

Too long,

Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know, you know, you know

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it allI'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up'

Cause you know, you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

I wantedI wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

2006-04-24T20:56:00.000+08:00

writing an entry while crying have never been so hard. tori amos is playing on the background, and if you people really know me, you would already know what that means. i never thought how being alone could be such a big issue for me. i know myself and i hate really being ignored.

after days of almost pricking both my eyes in front of the net for my thesis, i don't know why some people still find it hard to appreciate my efforts. c'mon, being told right to your face, "magaling ka lang humingi..." is something right? it tore my heart apart. it was so hard being told something that harsh when you've just gotten up from bed. i felt that i have no worth. i have always dreamt of being given a reward because you think i truly deserve it. but hell if not, why do i even bother?

i am tired. i've been crying the whole day. it's time to let my tears speak. if only they could...

2006-04-22T00:40:00.000+08:00

OutOfMyLeague

It's her hair and her eyes today

that just simply take me away

and the feeling that i'm falling further in love

makes me shiver, but in a good way

All the times i have sat and stared

as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair

as she purses her lips bats her eyes

and she plays with me sitting there,

slack-jawed and nothing to say

Cos i love her with all that i am

and my voice shakes along with my hands

Cos she's all that i see

and she's all that i need

and i'm out of my league once again

It's a masterful melody

when she calls out my name to me

as the world spins around her she laughs,

rolls her eyes and i feel like i'm falling

but it's not surprise

Cos it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea

but i'd rather be here than on land

yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need

and i'm out of my league

once again

... to that someone who once dedicated me this song,

so glad i'm a million times over you.

2006-04-10T00:56:00.000+08:00

2006-04-08T21:27:00.001+08:00

Baby Anika Caprice and I

2006-04-08T20:11:00.000+08:00

ARushofReality

i can't quite understand my emotions right now. the other day, i've been ranting for the sole reason that i have not made it to be a university scholar this sem. fortunately, i still am a college scholar. maybe i decided to take it down a notch, or maybe i just was just able to balance everything well. yes, i call it "balancing." it's like being in the circus, actually. i've always been amazed on how circus people manage to juggle 6 eggs at the same time, how they manage to cross with only a fine string to step on, etc. i don't think i've perfected the act of balancing just yet, but i know, i'm getting there. just this recent sem, i've learned to give time to each and everyone around me. if some of you wouldn't care to agree, i just know this fact well since i still consider myself complete right now. in the process, nothing suffered. well, the downside is that i wasn't able to meet my target grade. but i've thought of this a dozen times, and in my thinking, what happened was a result of learning how to prioritize things. and amazingly, it's not so bad after all. my grade may not be that high (in my standards), but i really do feel accomplished. with all the hardwork i've been through, i still deserve a palm lifedrive mobile manager, right ma? ;)

kidding aside, i am happy now. i realized that i indeed am secure with my strengths and my abilities. the other day, i even heard a compliment from one blockmate. He said that I'm good in English, and I believe he was able to say so after reading my past blog entry entitled "scatterbrained." i don't intend to sound like some bigheaded and egostistical freak here who wants to be reassured of her abilities by mentioning every good detail about herself on her blog. i'm just sharing my thoughts. and personally, i'd like to thank my that blockmate of mine for the flattering remark he gave me. it's very seldom i hear those kinds of comments. and sadly, i don't even receive similar compliments from people who i think should appreciate me more than he does. that is the reality and irony of life. you don't get appreciated be people who mean more to you and who have even been the constant spectators of your hardwork, you only realize your worth from people you won't be expecting assurance from. sigh.

i should stop contemplating. i'm just sourgraping, some of you may say. but hey, i know myself better than you guys do, right? i am not alone though you may keep rubbing onto my face that i am. come to think of it, another reality of life is that, people may sometimes see you as weak, only to be dumbfounded in the end, by how strong and powerful you really are.

2006-04-03T13:15:00.000+08:00

scatterbrained

finally... it's summertime once again. yeah, i should be feeling the summer heat right now but unfortunately, i've been seeing more of the rainy weather these past few days. blah. it doesn't matter much though. i'd appreciate any type of weather just as long as it fits my mood.

mom and i were planning to go to megamall today but then, i woke up later than expected. we were supposed to buy the summer dress i reserved in some shop i prefer not to name. nothing much really, i just saw it on this model, of some coverpage, of some magazine. am i being too vague yet?

last friday, i bought an anne geddes baby bear doll. it's so cuuuuute. it's like the cutest thing ever. well, it should be for its price. but anyway, i consider it a gift for myself after all the effort i've exerted doing my thesis and script the past weeks. i've been through A LOT of work. if only i had enough money i'd even consider buying myself a jaguar! i pretty much deserve to enjoy right now.

and the next big thing? A summer beach getaway. i don't care when but i'd really need a boost right now. and besides, i still need an opportunity to sport my new plain brown bikini top, though i'm still finding enough courage to wear them, until now.

sigh. i need to get out. been in front of the pc for as long as i can remember. wanna hit the mall, or the beach, rather. but before anything else, i have to pay my grad fees tomorrow, and by wednesday i'd be going back to school again for my evaluation and clearance forms. by friday, hmm, maybe i'd be back to meet up again with friends. been missing them, really. still have to get all my classcards, by the way. so anyone out there who might be reading this, i'd be needing prayers.

in some slack days like this day, for instance, i think i'd be better off in front of the computer monitor, for now.

2006-03-29T22:03:00.000+08:00

at krocodile...

2006-02-26T00:07:00.000+08:00

topakmode

some songs just manage to bring back sad memories. just minutes ago i clicked on this song on my itunes list and bitter memories just went through my mind. that particular song plays while i'm writing this entry right now.

i dunno. that song has the power to bring tears to my eyes. call me sentimental. maybe this is not a good time to play that song. or perhaps this is not the best time to write an entry, rather?

too bad i can't put all my thoughts here. if only i could, perhaps you would understand a bit, or perhaps you could help me understand. in this current mode right now, please don't ask me why i've gotten so bitter about everything.

just don't make me explain and you wouldn't be harmed.

2006-02-25T17:51:00.000+08:00

johariwindow

this is something new.... hahaha. please, if you don't have much to do, try contributing to my johari window so that i could get to know myslef more. (hahaha kuno) =)

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ikay

your time and effort will be greatly appreciated. muahmuah.

*i haven't really come across a nohari window (the opposite of the johari). anyone need my help? (wicked smile. harhar)

2006-02-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

WowSighWell

wow. when was the last time i wrote on this? blah. actually, i'm really not in the mood right now to write, but since i came across this site again and noticed (i actually did notice...) that my "blog" isn't being a blog anymore (given the fact that there's nothing new here) then fine, i will now start my entry.

sigh. what's up with me? i have been totally busy lately doing my thesis, script and major paper. yada yada. i actually forgot that i have a thing for shopping for a while. i am currently spending my days in front of the pc, and i actually don't get to watch tv anymore. poor me, i haven't even seen the new mcdo commercial yet (karen, jeni, lorey... madaya kayo!).

well, although i haven't paid much attention to myself lately, i admit that i am happy. and the source of my happiness----? i'll keep my mouth shut and my eyelashes batting.

by the way, i'm not in the mood to be bugged... (ehem ehem)... not... just... yet (bold period). klaro?

2006-02-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

musingover

i wrote this June 21 of last year...

sharing...

A couple of days have already passed, countless sleepless nights have already gone, and I just don’t know where I am at present. I have a lot of things going inside my head – studies, prospects and everything else I prefer not to tackle much on this blog right now. One thing is for sure, jealousy has been trying so hard to scratch me out on the face of this planet. I have cheated my way through it all this time but it keeps on finding ways to kill me. And sometimes I just have to wonder, why does every single, worthy person in this world, whom I find worthy of my attention, just has to be… taken? I could’ve sworn that if jealousy can really kill, I’d be a hundred times dead right now. But what can I do? Everyone has a past to deal with, except me. I am a person with no past, holding no assurance of a future ahead, but has over a dozen “presents” making me delirious every now and then.

A serious prospect have emerged out of nowhere in my pe class. I admit, I have been searching for him everywhere ever since this semester has started. I was quite hopeful I’d get to see him once again and say hi, but God was so good to me He granted me more than just that. Imagine just how shocked and kilig I was when I saw him on the first day of pe class, and found out we’ll be classmates for an entire semester. He came in, in all his red shirt, jeans and white cap glory. He hasn’t changed a bit, except for some added blemishes on the neck, but he still looks fine to me. As always, kuhang kuha niya pa rin ang lahat sa ‘kin. But as days passed I noticed that my attention was not on him… but on someone else.

Everyone wants a fairytale, I have dreamt of one myself. But then, I found out this world is no Disney cartoon, neither a storybook with dwarves, fairies, and the like. I can’t make my own fairytale alone. But given a choice, I’d like to be a character in one, where pixies can dress me up in pretty ornaments and flowers, where dreams come true in a snap, faster than a blink of an eye, where people love just because they really are in love - with no holds barred, where I can love… and choose… even though… I know…

But then, this is a world of truths. I am only a dreamer. And I can only love that person, only in fairytales…

2006-01-08T17:04:00.000+08:00

emomode

it scares me to feel that slowly i am turning into a bitter person, when in fact i have every reason in the world not to turn into one. just what do you do when you suddenly feel that you're getting tired of something, and you feel this familiar ache once again. you tell yourself, oh no... not again. not this time around. everything just seems so perfect.

or maybe, i am just confused with the difference of perfection from satisfaction.

i continue to hope as i finish this entry. and i promise myself, i'd never fake a smile once more. and yah, i hope i heal, just in time.

2006-01-08T16:55:00.000+08:00

honestly, do i look like a gremlin?

2005-12-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

this is what to expect at tagaytay: foggy wonderland

2005-12-24T00:24:00.000+08:00

asarcasticone

i promised i'd be posting often but really, i can't afford to waste that much time on blogging. i dunno but slowly i'm losing my obsession for this ever since... nah, forget about what i just said. i shouldn't be bitter in the first place. someone told me my blog is still of some value and that i should indeed think twice before i decide to delete it from the world wibe web. after all, i wasted an entire month, spent sleepless nights in front of the computer monitor trying to put all these together... so i guess it really is still worth something. i am, slowly just losing the rationale on why people blog and share every teeny bitsy info of their so called everyday life to people they don't even really care about, and hardly know. would people really waste time reading my blog? would i be really happy if they read mine? should i thank them for wasting time? i dunno... i guess.

and since i'm already writing this post, somehow i'm inviting people to still visit and read my blog entries. just as long as there's something new on this site, that would mean i still have my blogging principles intact within me. otherwise...

so what happens tomorrow?

tomorrow, the sun will still shine, the world will still be filled with strangers... and i will still breathe contaminated air while packing my stuff for tagaytay... and off i go...

come sunday, it will be Christmas... and i will be in tagaytay... badly missing someone...

come tuesday, it'll be like any other day, except that i'd probably get greetings from people... or maybe not?

take care you people... cheer up!

Happy Holidays! =)

2005-12-18T21:59:00.000+08:00

vacationfinally

waaaah!! when was the last time i wrote on this blog? hahaha, good for me i'd be having more time to write since finally, i will be having my 2week Christmas vacation heheh.
so what exactly is new about me? well, i'd be celebrating my 20th birthday, only a few days from now =) i'm not so excited about it coz for me it'd just be a simple day, like any other day, only i'd get a year older hahaha! am not expecting gifts too (ahem ahem hahaha) but i know and am planning to have a day out with FRIENDS (read: completely wanted, liked and appreciated platonic friends, mainly college pals.) so there, but other than that, it'd be just a simply, ordinary day i'd be spending, eating cake and ice cream =) (ooh... calories...)

so what would i be expecting for this short break? hmm... probably:
*text text ang more text nonstop moments
*shopping sprees
*slack off days in front of the television and computer monitor
*ym moments
*an overnight stay at taal vista yayayay!
*swimming! (very timely, isn't it?)
*christmas parties (orgs, relatives, etc.)
*if the sched allows me, a night out with org mates scheduled right on the day of my birthday, 11pm @ libis
*king kong movie (read: definitely not megamall...)
*time alone moments (read: very important)
*misa de gallo
*night out with friends, probably at streetscape shangri-la on my birthday (yayay gulp gulp inom inom)
*other plans can't be mentioned here, too bad...

so there, i promise i'd be posting often for this 2week break...

and for all of you who have been wasting precious time reading my blog...

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR =)

a song i sing for myself

2005-12-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

a song i sing...

for myself... hahaha ;)

Don'tWorryBaby

Beach Boys

Well its been building up inside of me

For oh I don't know how long

I don't know why but I keep thinking

Something's bound to go wrong

But she looks in my eyes

And makes me realize

When she says "Don't worry baby"

Don't worry baby

Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby

I guess I should've kept my mouth shut

When I started to brag about my car

But I can't back down now because

I pushed the other guys too far

She makes me come alive

And makes me wanna drive

When she says "Don't worry baby"

Don't worry baby

Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby

She told me "Baby, when you race today

Just take along my love with you

And if you knew how much I loved you

Baby nothing could go wrong with you"

Oh what she does to me

When she makes love to me

And she says "Don't worry baby"

Don't worry baby

Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby

2005-11-29T21:55:00.000+08:00

wtf

my tummy aches. sigh.

i have a 3 hour class tom for MPs 110. given the fact that it will be held during the most ungodly hours of the day, i will surely be found dozing off. does sir naval ever really notice? with his soft voice, it will surely be hard to focus for 3 blessed hours!!!

i just finished helping aizza with her blog. haha. it feels good knowing that i have again, helped someone with her blogging problems. nyaha. im not an expert though. nah, i just enjoy helping people... really.

i... miss........................................................

eating sisig. ;)

2005-11-16T22:29:00.000+08:00

2005-11-16T12:53:00.000+08:00

take me awaylifehouse

This time all I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

This time

You burned me with your eyes

You see past all the lies

You take it all away

I've seen it all and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

I try to make my way to you

But still I feel so lost

I don't know what to say

What else to do

I've seen it all and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet

Don't forget who I am

I know I'm not there yet

But don't let me stay here alone

This time all I want is you

There is no one else

Who can take your place

I've seen it all and it's never enough

It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

Take me away

I've got nothing left to say

Just take me away

2005-11-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

dreamjaguarbeach

so the blog is fixed - i don't even know why it got messed up in the first place. anyways, regular classes would probably start tomorrow. i'd have to put my best foot forward once more, take a chance and just do everything i could in order to pass all my subjects. i'd be surely busy this sem - i'd have to start thinking of proposals for my thesis and possible topics for my scriptwriting class. i just don't know if it'd all be worth the effort in the end. if i'd get a nice job for all these writing crap, then good for me. if not, i wouldn't know where i'd be finding myself... (so much for my dream jaguar and beach house... like, can you even imagine a jaguar, at the beach?)

err, not thinking clearly. i just promised myself i'd own a jaguar someday... whatever it takes.

2005-11-13T12:04:00.000+08:00

this blog is a mess and is still being fixed at the moment.

2005-11-05T02:15:00.000+08:00

a boring day

i should be sleeping right now. i don't know why i'm not hitting the sacks yet. i'm just not yet that sleepy. am again having a minor case of sumpong. then again, i don't want to talk to people now, i might just not be that responsive at these times. i slacked off the whole day in front of the television, and tomorrow will definitely be a slack off day too, except that it wouldn't be that boring having my sister around the whole day. probably we could watch movies together, or maybe not. i almost forgot, we're having a general cleaning for two consecutive days. i choose not to join. they also wouldn't want me to help anyway.

i am tired of staring blankly into space. there must be something i could do here at home just to ease out the boredom and all. i'm also tired of fixing this blog. i figured i would still wake up the next day even if my blog is a mess.

just yesterday i also discovered something about myself. perhaps people who really know me are already aware of this, i'm not so sure. i have this one attitude wherein i'd like things to turn out, exactly the way i want them to. and the bad thing is that i get depressed and frustrated whenever things don't transpire the way i want them exactly to happen. plus, whenever i'm ranting about something, i always wish and expect people to understand me right away, as if they have some sort of esp or something.

i also figured i might be suffering from a narcissus complex, if ever there's such thing as that. i am slowly turning into a self-absorbed individual who refuses to understand others and would only want to care about herself. i dunno, at least i am aware of it.

isn't it obvious from this entry that i'm not in the mood? oh well, at least i know i could still write. blablabla.

2005-11-02T20:26:00.000+08:00

i just realized, i was redundant. i wrote "feel a lot better" a couple of times. haven't i? never mind. who would care anyway?

i am really not in the mood.

2005-11-02T20:18:00.000+08:00

i'm not in the mood at all. i just want to write something now or else i'd go crazy taking all of these alone. i don't even know what i'm ranting about. people have been messaging me on ym but still i refuse to reply. people are by nature so insistent. maybe it's about time i hit the malls. it's definitely a good time to splurge. i'm depressed and all. i've been counting the days fast but i still don't know what i'm about to expect. i feel that there's something out there, just that something which could help me feel better. whatever it takes, i must go out tomorrow. and after which, i hope i'd feel a lot better.

chow.

back from the trip

2005-11-02T03:48:00.000+08:00

just got back from tagaytay. oh well, i will make an entry about it maybe tomorrow, if chances allow me to. i'm still up this early and i just finished making a multiply account. i posted the link here... just go look for it =)

sugar we're going down

2005-10-22T17:24:00.000+08:00

Sugar We're Going Down

Am I more than you bargained for yet
I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear
Cause that's just who I am this week
Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

Is this more than you bargained for yet
Oh don't mind me I'm watching you two from the closet
Wishing to be the friction in your jeans
Isn't it messed up how I'm just dying to be him
I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

Down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down
Down, down
We're going down, down
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it

so nervous.

2005-10-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

finally. i got the urge to write again. you have no idea how much time i spent fixing this blog. and oh yes, until now it isn't still that fixed yet.

am now waiting for the release of my grade in mp 173. i even wasted time last night crying and ranting. but that's just me. i am so nervous and so expecting already that i'd get a three or an inc, or worse, a failing mark for that subj. i'm just not that confident with my works. but what the heck, being confident still isn't a guarantee he'd give me a high mark anyway.

i am experiencing the writer's block again. forgive me. must end this now. and hopefully, the next entry will be a better one.

me/paulacole

2005-10-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

am not the person who is singing
i am the silent one inside
i am not the one who laughs at people's jokes
i just pacify their egos
i am not my house, my car or my songs
they are only stops along my way
i am like the winter
i'm a dark cold female
with a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

and it's me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

i am carrying my voice
i am carrying my heart
i am carrying my rhythm
i am carrying my prayers
but you can't kill my spirit
it's soaring and it's strong
like a mountain
i go on and on
but when my wings are folded
the brightly colored moth
blends into the dirt into the ground

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love
that i love

i am walking on the bridge
i am over the water
and i'm scared as hell
but i know there's something better
yes i know there's something
yes i know, i know, yes i know

that i love
but it's me
and it's me
but it's me

freaky tuesday

2005-10-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

i am in no position to think clearly right now. yes, i am freaked out - for reasons i couldn't even put into words. i just hope everything turns out well. i really want to spend time with FRIENDS asap, i need them badly now. and for you who's trying to decipher this post right now, please:

just stay away.

and somehow the background song calms me. thank God.

2005-09-29T23:05:00.000+08:00

"i never said it was easy. i only said it was worth it."

i am

2005-09-27T23:55:00.000+08:00

boooo!
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